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Creepypasta Wiki:Spinoff Appeal
__NEWSECTIONLINK__ Here is a system in which you can get your OC (Original Content) spinoffs, prequels, sequels, and stories on the blacklisted subjects added to this wiki. Here's how it works: Post your story offsite, and add a link to it below, along with a brief description. We admins will review your story to determine if it's good enough to be added to the wiki. If it is determined that your story is good, we will add the story ourselves, and add credit to you in the footer section. Here are some places you can upload your story for it to be judged: Pastebin, Spinpasta Wiki, Zelda Creepypasta Wiki, Minecraft CreepyPasta Wiki, or Poképasta Wiki. You can also upload your story to Deviantart. Keep these things in mind: * Your story must be original content (OC). * Your story must meet the Quality Standards in order for it to be accepted. * Try to use as few Creepy Clichés as possible. * Stories (this includes stories written the format of a diary or journal) must be complete. No "COMING SOON!" pages or half-finished pages. * You can add multiple stories in your request, but you have to put a description for each one. * If you don't want to give away any "twist" you added to the plot, just mention in the blurb that there's a twist that we should find out for ourselves. * Don't use this page to troll. * Don't get too upset if your request is denied! Admins: If you reject a request, give an explanation why (bad spelling, bad grammar, too many clichés, too generic, Mary Sue protagonist/antagonist, poorly-written, etc.) And please remember to sign your requests with four tildes (~~~~). ([[/Archives|'Archives']]) Hollowhead I wrote this one as an attempt to make a non-crap version of Eyeless Jack (Since that character was so inexplicably popular w/o having a very good story). But I think the character and the ideas in this story are original enough to stand on their own. What says you? http://www.bogleech.com/creepy/creepy14-hollowhead.html Tbok1992 (talk) 05:44, February 12, 2015 (UTC) :While I liked the level of description in the story: "I zone out and cough again. A wad of the purple-blue mucous lands on the tile floor as I hack and choke. I pass out.", there needs to be a bit more fleshing out of the characters (especially the physical description of 'Eyeless Jacqueline') and a bit more build-up on the overall tension of the story. Some issues I found: " She shovels it in to (into) my socket." "Jesus(,) my lungs hurt." :I liked the ending: "She smiles toothlessly at me. It is the most sincere smile I have ever seen." but I feel like it would be vastly improved if there was a little more build-up with the creature's appearances and suspense. (Maybe some additional encounters or a little more shock from the protagonist at her appearance. "I walk in to look in the mirror. I see its face beside me in the mirror. Her eyeless face. I rub the sleep out of my eyes. She's gone." As it stands, the story needs a little bit of work and a bit more plot as it feels a bit rushed so I am going to turn down this appeal (for now.) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 00:42, February 23, 2015 (UTC) Plagiarist This is a creepypasta about writing creepypasta. It contains at least one forbidden hook and was automatically denied. This is not a spin-off, but LOLSKELETONS suggested that I take this route. It contains several references to other more famous stories as a means of establishing story canon and pays homage to some of the works that made this genre what it is today. The story itself blends satire and irony which all borders on the lines of dark humor. I feel that anyone who has ever written a creepypasta could give a nod to some of themes within it. The story is called "Plagiarist" and the general synopsis is this: A young man moves to a new area and soon finds a job as a night shift employee at a department store. He eventually comes across a coworker named "Harvey" that shares a similar interest in creepypasta. Harvey then invites the protagonist to his home to discuss story ideas. As the protagonist reads off some of his ideas, Harvey takes note that every single idea presented is an almost exact copy of an already existing story. He then makes snide remarks to the protagonist and ultimately accuses him of plagiarism. This all culminates to a twist ending that is brutal, satirical, ironic, and self-aware. This story can be found on my personal blog:http://gpreeb.blogspot.com/p/blog-page_31.html Thank you for your time. G. Preeb (talk) 05:01, March 1, 2015 (UTC) :Reading over your story, I do not see a lot of issues with grammar. (which is refreshing) Although I did notice some issue with spacing. Try to avoid having multiple speakers in the same paragraph: "“So it centers on these political prisoners that volunteer to take part in an experiment where they are not allowed to sleep for a certain period of time.” Harvey burst into laughter, “Really? Again?”", "“You know Harvey? I came to you asking for help, and all you’ve done is denounced it all with a higher heir (sic) of conscience. Tell me, have you ever written one?” He then gathered himself from his poor humor, “Yeah, I used to. I think I’ve mentioned it before, but I’ll tell you again. All the good ideas have already been done. That’s why I don’t write anymore.”" :Grammar: "It(')s people..." Wording: "higher heir (air?) of conscience." seems like a problematic phrase. At first I thought it might be a colloquialism, but nothing turned up in my search. "My hands put a death grip around his throat again." (phrasing. "Wrapped" my be a more applicable word.) :Story issues: “Bingo! That’s where all these are coming from. You’re subconsciously stealing them." is a bit of a leap to make the audience try to jump in assuming he is watching these videos late at night and absorbing them via osmosis. "Back to Harvey, lunchtime came at 2, and like usual, I waited out the hour at an empty table. Then I noticed a man who’d gotten done eating, he reached into his cooler and pulled out a stack of papers." You also mention this conversation happens in the middle of a store (I would assume at 2 A.M., but the distinction is never made. The fact that he could kill someone (brutally) in public, take the body, and bury it without attracting any attention is a bit unrealistic. :Additionally the frequent title dropping of creepy pastas would be a little more effective if you narrowed it down to a few stories. (maybe a little less popular as well.) Ten is a bit excessive and desensitizes the reader after a bit. For example: "I kept telling him about the ideas I’d written in my notebook. With every new idea, came a new comparison, Slenderman, Ticci-Toby, Fear Not the Shadows, The Glutton, and Midnight Train to name a few." These are all pretty well-known stories and it's a bit of a stretch that assume that the protagonist has heard of none of them. While an interesting concept, the ending ("I know this has to be an original idea, it just has to be. How on Earth could I be a plagiarist of my own story?") needs some work to make it a bit more effective. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 23:16, March 3, 2015 (UTC) My Geatest Fear This is my story, and it is considered to be a spin off. Its about the main character explaining the events of why he is afraid of mirrors, and what he believes lives inside of them. http://pastebin.com/Zuwe69YBv :Starting with the smaller things, your paragraphs are going to need spaces between them. Additionally, you need to break up the paragraphs more. A typical paragraph has five to ten sentences, yours has between fifteen and twenty. This makes your paragraphs look bulky and harder to read. I would also avoid starting sentences with conjunctions as they give the story a choppy/start-and-stop feel. Onto the bigger issues. :Wording issues: "Thankfully they began to stop happening, until they completely stopped (redundancy) sometime when I was twelve.", "I was stating (staying) the night at my friend Robert's house,", "there is a very large vanity (dresser/table to differentiate between vanity's other meaning))," "The Thing in The Mirror dragged in Jacob, and mauled him just as he did Jacob, (???)" You also shift between past tense and present multiple times throughout the story. As the protagonist is recounting this story from his childhood, it should be in past tense. ""Kiaus??" He (he) exclaims." :Grammar issues: their=possession, there=indicatory, they're=they are. "Their (There) was a women's face" it's=it is, its=possession: " it's (its) black eyes" :Story issues: "...because I knew that she would probably make us move." Is the protagonist's mother superstitious? Why would she go through something as difficult as moving houses because her son said he was something? You need to explain that more. Unfortunately black eyes have become a bit overused and become a Cliche. You need to build up the description more than just black hair, black sunken eyes (3x), and pale. It seems a lot like "The Ring" but with blackened eyes. :You also play the dream angle quite a bit, but for the ending to work ("It makes me panic. You should also be afraid of them."), you need to bring a greater urgency into the story. Having a recurring dream is good, but there really isn't much of a sense of impending doom without Bloody Mary/The Thing that lives Inside the Mirror actually menacing the protagonist in real life. :As it stands, this creepy pasta has a number of wording, grammatical, spacing, and story issues that result in it being below our Quality Standards, so I am going to turn down this appeal. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 21:00, April 29, 2015 (UTC) My Name is Jeff So, I found a pasta and posted it on spin, so now I want to see if I can get it on here. I credit the origanal author in the pasta. It explains what the original "Jeff the Killer" story had wrong. My Name is Jeff. I'm CrazyWords, I love you all! Talk to me Baby! Contributions! 05:27, May 10, 2015 (UTC)CrazyWords :Unfortunately trying to re-work a story/premise does not always mean it will be up to quality standards for this site as was the case for this story and your story as well. :This story has numerous spacing, punctuation, wording, and story issues that really detract from the overall experience and instead of building upon the premise, it seems to dig itself deeper by referencing other CPs (for the sake of name-dropping) and really doesn't build an engaging storyline outside of the source material which really results in a less-than-satisfactory conclusion. The quality standards for spinoffs are much higher and unfortunately this story does not meet our standards which means that this appeal is being turned down. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 06:03, May 10, 2015 (UTC) The Monsters You've Created Fairly recently on the SomeOrdinaryGamers Wiki, I posted a twist-ending story titled The Monsters You've Created. ''It got positive reviews and was edited after suggestions were given. I'll be blunt for the sake of time: it's a FNAF story but it isn't fan-fiction. The story is from the perspective of the murdered children who are calling out for their killer to die. The story goes deeper into this and I can only hope you give it a chance, along with a read to see if it's up to your standards. Thank you for your time. Story: http://someordinarygamers.wikia.com/wiki/The_Monsters_You've_Created Sshakenbakee (talk) 01:22, May 27, 2015 (UTC)Sshakenbakee :While the story is steps above almost all the typical FNAF-based stories users post (and we delete, thanks for using the appeal by the way.) there are a few issues that really make this one a tough sell. Awkward wording: "It’s all of us that are going to be what ends your miserable life.", "Our spirits will remain to haunt this world until justice is done upon you." However a majority of the issues I found with this story are in the plot itself. :Story issues: A lot of the monologues seem out of place. (Especially since, yes I played the games, they come from the perspectives of children.) "You’re next to become cursed to bear this misfortune.", "You disregarded all of that and went against the grain. You preyed on the innocent, raised yourself to become ruthless, told yourself to kill and asked evil things of yourself.", "...hope that we will find killing just as enjoyable as you because death is the only form of justice you deserve, you deceitful bastard. You twisted, evil, deceitful bastard." It really seems out of place that children talk of such high-handed concepts like retribution and justice. :Plot issues: While it does give some insight into the mind(s') of the murder children, the plot really doesn't progress very far beyond that premise. It re-hashes the children's anger towards the purple man and desire for justice, but it doesn't really build off of the story any. As I said before, it is steps above the other FNAF stories that I've read, but it really doesn't build off the concept any and the awkward wording, out-of-place monologue, and story issues really detract from the overall story. I'm afraid I'm going to have to turn down this appeal. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 02:10, May 27, 2015 (UTC) Let's Play SONIC So I started a thread on wether I should remaster the story of "Sonic.exe" because let's face it, It's 4 years old and hasn't gotten any better. In fact, it wasn't even that good back then. I am here to change that. I have made a remastered Sonic.exe pasta called "Let's play SONIC." Where the main character is a let's player, the words "hyper realistic" are removed from the story, grammar issues are fixed, and the main character doesn't die at the end due to sonic plushie. In fact, he actually doesn't die. Here's the link to the pastebin: http://pastebin.com/78UTVLG8 Gatlingpea12 (talk) 01:13, June 17, 2015 (UTC) :I'm sorry but this story is not up to quality standards due to wording, cliche, and story issues. :Wording errors: "When (I) opened my mailbox up, there was (were) the usual newspapers and junk mail, but then there was also a 700 megabyte storage cd, with nothing written on the top of it.", "I said as the creen (sic) went black for a bit", ""The voice-over was so rediculous (ridiculous) and slow", "Okay, this is getting repetative (repetitive).", etc. :Cliches: You try to avoid most cliches but end up walking right into a number of other ones. "A reversed theme played, which sounded threatening." (#9), "Then, for a split second, Sonic opened his eyes, and they were black with red pupils." (black and red eyes cliche.), "a (an) EAR-PIERCING bit-crushed scream played" (#11). Here is a list of Cliches commonly found in creepy pastas. :Story issues: the protagonist constantly trying to take the piss out of the creepy factor of the game really draws the reader out of the story and points out that the same material you are using in the story is in fact overused. It also feels like you're just riffing on the old (notably bad story) with little to no effect. I'm sorry, but this seems like a re-hashing of the original where you pulled out issues that have garnered dislike over the years. The same thing has been done to Jeff the Killer as well with the same result. A spinoff really shouldn't just be a rehashing of the original. Please read this guide for more a more in-depth response. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 01:33, June 17, 2015 (UTC) Well, see, I had to keep true to the game in question, seeing as how the tale is 4 years old, and the actual game still gets updates. Messing with the original plot would be like retelling the story of titanic with Mexican mice and a rapping dog. (This actually did happen btw) But I also had to change the protagonist to something that didn't feel like he had stockholm syndrome. The excuse for the main character to keep playing was the audience. I guess I took that a bit far. The wording, I guess should have been fixed before I posted it to pastebin. But maybe those typos could have been fixed on their way to the wiki. I'm not the best typer in the world, and when I type fast, I get a bit clumsy. Finally, when you try to avoid Cliches that were in the source material, and you don't want to mess up the original plot, you tend to run into new ones. It's almost IMPOSSIBLE to make a creepypasta with absolutely no cliches. Nothing's perfect, and from how strict you guys have been lately, you seem to think that there is such thing as absolutely perfect. The Russian sleep experiment is one of the best creepypastas out there, yet the way the final test subject describes that sleep can help your sanity makes it feel really rushed. I have total respect for you, I mean, The wiki would be really different without quality control. Just please tone it down a bit, and don't automatically decline a creepypasta for having a few cliches here and there. The protagonist, I can understand a fix. He was obviously too much like Someordinarygamers, not getting scared, and nitpicking at the game. But it's impossible to make a 100% original and cliche free story at this point. So I'll fix the protagonist, TRY to remove the cliches, and fix the wording. :I'm afraid that, until all the issues above have been resolved, this appeal will remain denied. What you've said above doesn't resolve the issues. Once you've re-worked it, feel free to submit another appeal. | creepypasta.wikia.com | I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! | [[User:Underscorre|'Under']][[User talk:Underscorre|'Scorre']] }} 08:08, June 17, 2015 (UTC) Alright, So I've fixed it, including removing the cliches. (Which wasn't as hard as I though I was going to be.) Here's the link: http://pastebin.com/6iDUcEs6 If it's not perfect again, just tell me why. Give me your most constructive criticism. (I can't sign this at all for some reason, When I try to do the four tildes, it just says "Use the source editor" But the source editor doesn't put in the wikitext, only the actual tildes show up. Sorry for the inconvinience.) Gatlingpea12 (talk) 03:57, June 18, 2015 (UTC) :I'm trying my best not to discourage you here. It's clear you've put in work, but the issue is that you're taking a story that was already flawed from the beginning and trying to polish it up. It's got issues and re-hashing the fan-made video game really doesn't work out too much in its favor. :Capitalization issues: "i've (I've) heard that laugh somewhere", "The adventures (Adventures) of Sonic the Hedgehog", "front of tails (Tails)", "looked at sonic (Sonic)", "i'm getting a bit scared", "Oh jesus", etc. :Wording/spelling: "I exclamed (exclaimed), both enthusiastically (for the audience) and nervously.]." (square bracket not needed, as is with additional period.), "I exclamed aloud.", "I reached the tip (top) of the first staircase.", "our should (souls) once more." :Punctuation: "large text showed up saying (")FOUnd yOu.(")" Video game/show titles should be in quotations/underlined to avoid confusion. :Story issues: "demonic Sonic the hedgehog" Description is the name of the game here. What makes him look demonic? Dialogue should also be spaced out from when Sonic talks and the protagonist talks. ""So many souls to play with, so little time, wouldn't you agree?" The demonic Sonic read that aloud too. "What, are you the devil?"" I know it's hard to avoid cliches because the original did them, but it still detracts from the story and as the game/story is so steeped in them, it's damn near impossible to do it without them: "wind-ish theme was playing backwards.", "YOU'RE NEXT", etc. :Nothing is perfect, but the issue is turning something bad into something good. It really doesn't work. See the "Jeff the Killer" remakes. It would be like trying to take "Plan 9 From Outer Space" and making it a good movie. Even if you try, there's still a link/connection to the original that is going to weigh it down. (As is the case here.) Even if those errors were fixed, the story would still be bad. (Through no fault of your own.) That's just the nature of the story. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 03:55, June 18, 2015 (UTC) I understand. I guess a remaster was just not meant to be. I'll try to make my own original story. (Though, that can be pretty hard.) The remaster is off. Gatlingpea12 (talk) 04:04, June 18, 2015 (UTC) :You can still put it in your re-master thread (in a pastebin link) for those that might want to read it. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 04:11, June 18, 2015 (UTC) Okay, sounds good! I mean, I managed to make it into a decent creepypasta. Not a GREAT creepypasta, but a decent one. also, I managed to fix more of the stuff you pointed out, just so you know. Gatlingpea12 (talk) 19:20, June 18, 2015 (UTC) The Holders series - a couple of Object stories Hi there. I understand that the Holders series is a bit overdone, but I have a couple of stories that I would love to see up on this site. Both are loaded on my DeviantArt page and would fall under the "Legion's Objects" catergory, as the original 538 Objects are all spoken for. The Holder of Whispers http://teslan606.deviantart.com/art/The-Holder-of-Whispers-543307984 It's loosely based on the way certain people experience ASMR. The Holder of Childhood http://teslan606.deviantart.com/art/The-Holder-of-Childhood-543517989 This one is honestly just me working through my issues of how creepy I find small children. Thanks in advance for your consideration, I look forward to your feedback. TeslanTeslan606 (talk) 07:57, July 2, 2015 (UTC) :Starting with some of the formatting, the third and sixth paragraph in "The Holder of Whispers" should be broken up some. A typical paragraph is five to ten sentences. Any more and it becomes blocky and harder to read. Other than that, there aren't too many issues other than sometimes forgetting to capitalize pronouns when referring to the objects. :Your stories do capture the feel of Holders stories, with the introduction and style. Unfortunately we discontinued the Holders series on this wiki due to the fact that a lot of the entries were becoming very formulaic: "In any city, in any country, go to any...", "Ask for the holder of...", "This object is object (number) of...". The same goes for a lot of the other stories we discontinued. (Zelda and poke pastas) This has become especially noticeable since the series ballooned from 538 to 2000+ (Including Legion's objects), which is why we only have a few holder stories on this wiki. :Unfortunately your series also sticks to the same pattern and really doesn't add anything new. This was the main reason why we stopped accepting those stories. They were becoming very cookie-cutter and re-hashing the same horror tropes. (Creepy children, decaying monsters, etc.) while the overall mystery of the series was relatively involving, the stories weren't. Your stories really add nothing new to the overall mythos and their inclusion here would only result in another incomplete series. I would suggest going over to the Holders Wikia as they would likely accept the story and you would find an audience there. I'm going to have to turn down this appeal on the grounds listed above. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 12:19, July 2, 2015 (UTC) : : : :Thanks for your comments, the quick response is appreciated. I had a feeling this would be the case, but you can't blame a girl for trying! =) :Teslan~~~~ Network Down- The Dark Man Rising Appeal Hi, you guys deleted my story Network Down- The Dark Man Rising after I stated that it is a sequel to Stephen King's The Dark Tower series. Now, when I say sequel, I mean in only the loosest of terms; the characters are all-new, and the only similarity is the final goal of the characters, which is to reach the Dark Tower (known is this world as the Tree of Gan). This is just an excerpt that I considered to be horror, and I don't see why it cannot be on here just because it is vaugely connected to the other stories. If you want to review the story, it can be found here: http://darktower19.wikia.com/wiki/Network_Down-_The_Dark_Man_Rising Thank you, and have a nice day; Jeremy Lackey (rolanddeschain16)Rolanddeschain16 (talk) 17:25, August 28, 2015 (UTC) :Stories set in the universe (or in the case of the Dark Tower, universes) of a story are considered to be spinoffs. Since it references key items/locations like Gan, the Dark Tower, etc. it really does fall under this category. For example the Candle Cove sequels don't involve any of the original characters, but heavily reference the mythos of the story. :Other than a few small punctuation and capitalization errors (Most of them present in the version you uploaded here although there are a few on the link as well), there isn't too much wrong here grammatically, which is refreshing. The big issue is the fact that this is unfinished/only a chapter. :We don't allow stories that are incomplete/in progress due to the fact that authors typically never finish them in a timely manner (see 1999). After reading this story, I must admit I like where it is going, but currently there really isn't enough to classify each section as a standalone (like Penpal). Due to the fact that it's incomplete/only an excerpt, I'm sorry to say that until you finish up the rest of the series, it can't be posted here. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 19:57, August 28, 2015 (UTC) :When I do finish it, would it be able to be posted here? :Jeremy LackeyRolanddeschain16 (talk) 11:57, August 31, 2015 (UTC) ::I would have to read through the new portions, but judging from the quality of the first chapter and if the story still falls in the genre of horror; I'm thinking yes. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 11:59, August 31, 2015 (UTC) ::Well, that will be no issue! I'm already deep into Chapter 3, and not having any trouble yet; the whole thing has already been plotted out, and I can promise, nearly all of it contains horror (and theme, but I won't delve into that now!) ::Rolanddeschain16 (talk) 16:47, September 3, 2015 (UTC)Jeremy Lackey Bees and Beekeepers Hello, I'm Jason Oz. A writer from Southern California. This is my first creepy pasta, "Bees and Beekeepers." I believe it got blacklisted because of the tags I had on there and it interfered with the, "No haunted gaming" rule. My story is haunted gaming, partially. It's very open to interpretation by the end, and the way that can be viewed can make it a haunted game. However, I believe I have avoided the cliches well enough to be allowed to post, of course I will respect any decisions the admins choose to make. Pastebin link to my story: http://pastebin.com/Vbg5gcpK :Wording/run-on sentences: "It started how most things in my life do, tucked up in a chair, wasting my time in front of a computer screen, most of the time it's just to placate the boredom and melancholy of my normal life, although, it doesn't always help, as I look up at the desktop I've sat in front of for 10 or so minutes.", "Looking around, it seems that I was in some old house of some kind, there were cobwebs, dust, and rotted wood around me, and what looks to be boxes stacked in various locations, the ceiling seemed to point upward, how I imagined a roof would, and with that clue, I could tell I was probably in an attic or something, this was affirmed when I turned and saw a window in the wall looking outward, it looked to be the front yard of a house, I could see the patio below, and the yard, while untended and overgrown, was definitely present here, lastly I could see a van in the driveway.". :Awkward phrasing: "Most of my skype so-called "friends" (so called Skype (friends") are offline", "interesting with actually relatively..." (actually or relatively works, but both together makes it oddly worded.). "maybe these horror games and creepy pasta (creepypastas) are getting to my head?" Also avoid mentioning creepy pastas in a creepy pasta, it really takes the reader out of the story. The story also shifts from past tense to present and back to last tense a number of times in the story. "So the game starts...it opens up on the menu, which is just a black background with a strange smoke effect with the title written on it, and under it 2 text lines. The first says, "日本語".". " excited, cause (because or 'cause. Cause implies a different word) the game was finally starting" :Punctuation issues: use of ellipses can enhance a story but overuse (30+ times) can make a story seem unintentionally melodramatic. :Story issues: "I’ve always been pretty awkward socially, and have had mental problems in the past making me very introverted." This is an opportunity to explain, what kind of problems and make the protagonist a bit more relatable to the audience. "Also, I've started to take journal entries on these obscure games, just because a lot of them are so bizarre, and I can translate the words later on" This seems odd as the protagonist calls them earlier in the story "games aren't even scary, mainly just "scary maze-game" style jump scares and whatnot." The story also could use some review as there are some Cliches here that detract from the story. The story and ending feels rushed (How does this factor in to bees or beekeepers?). I'm sorry, but currently this story needs quite a bit of work and really isn't enough to pass this appeal so I'm turning it down. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 19:37, August 29, 2015 (UTC) Thank you for the input, I will be editing and uploading an edited version at some point in the future. Also, the Bees and Beekeepers line was kind of a metaphor, that didn't really work it's way into the plot as well as I would like. I didn't want to use something so cliche as "It's all in my head" however. So I'll change the title as well. :UPDATE: I have updated the story, which is now titled, "She's all in your head." It has been HEAVILY edited, and would love to get one more shot at being accepted. http://pastebin.com/FRKDX3bn :Once again, I'm sorry to have to say this, but I'm still turning down this appeal. In your haste to make corrections, you made a number of errors. ("rediculous", "file.Like all...", "distended and jagged" (distended = bloated.) A number of errors I pointed out originally are still present. The run on sentences are still there.) Additionally the story still subscribes to the common tropes of video game stories. (Haunted game/file comes out and torments the protagonist.) In conjunction with the oddness of the protagonist starting a journal for the video game, this story still has a number of issues. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 21:09, August 29, 2015 (UTC) (Project) Dead Universum My idea, maybe someone will be interested to contribute...... http://pastebin.com/y71aSpn7 :I'm sorry, but this feels more like a premise than an actual story. The scenes you mention are also fairly generic and need a lot of fleshing out. ("Now you can operate with arrows and you can get simply access to four funny easter eggs. If you go further or in wrong way, then you see all creepy pasta images") Additionally there are a massive amount of capitalization (improperly capitalized words) punctuation (commas missing from sentences, apostrophes missing from contractions, etc) and spelling errors. ("deep-tone the armaguiddon", "I quess...", "creepy textes like") I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to turn down this story for a lack of plot, rehashed tropes, spelling, capitalization, and punctuation errors. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 00:02, September 30, 2015 (UTC) Jeff the Killer: In Hindsight Hi, Empyreal. On Underscorre’s advice, I’m giving an appeal a shot and submitting my attempt to write an alternate take on “Jeff the Killer” that improved on the flaws of the original: http://pastebin.com/GDRnEBEB. At first I intended this to be a strict rewrite, but I’m submitting it more as a new take on the story because the final version deviates from the original in some places, and the people who’ve been kind enough to review it (MrDupin and AGrimAuxiliatrix1) have lead me to believe it holds up better this way. JZoidberg (talk) 00:26, December 19, 2015 (UTC) :Let’s start with the basics first and move onto the larger issues present in the story. For future reference, indenting paragraphs in a story on wiki format causes formatting errors so it's best not to do that should you decide to post another story on the wiki. :Punctuation issues: When quoting another line/name, punctuation should go outside of the quotations unless it is a complete sentence (and even then, it should have proper punctuation "name “Jeff Keaton.”(.)", "words: “white skin, and black-ringed eyes.”", "Liu "wasn't that kind of kid."", etc. You additionally have a tendency to use colons where a semicolon (for joining ideas/sentences) should be utilized. "name names:(;) apparently, three kids named(colon) Randy, Troy and Keith" Hyphens are missing from compound words like: "strong-arm", and punctuation is missing from sentences. "I looked at Liu(,/.) “I’m sorry,” I said." :Wording issues: "the town elite, and the town elite", "violent impulses was violent treatment.", "I believe him, but I only believe ", "He wasn’t lying about Randy’s role in the confrontation, he was lying", etc. You should really avoid repeating terms after identifying them as they should be substituted with a pronoun to avoid redundancy. Once in a while can be effective but multiple repetitions can really detract from a story. The same holds true for names as you tend to repeat "Jeff" and "Lou" a lot of times after already identifying them. There are a number of fragmented sentences: "The rest?", "So that was that.", "A knife.", "He didn't object.", "Twenty minutes", etc. that give the story a very start-and-stop feel. As well as other issues like: "called me an incompetent (an incompetent what?) to my face." as an implies an subject. "Homophone issues: "killed to (too) had he not" :Story issues: while I can see why this story made it into the top three due to its focus on outside perspectives, I can also tell why the story was passed over for first place. The medium of delivering the story (epistolary form) is very different from the original and comes off as clinical and procedural and really sucks the horror from the concept. This is an instance of deviating a bit too far from the source material in a way that, unfortunately, weakens the premise of the original (a story focusing heavily on the emotional trauma/bullying aspect). :Additionally conjecture like this should really be backed up: "But why would Troy and Keith go along with the story that Liu had stabbed Randy when they’d seen otherwise with their own eyes?" The court states they found Randy's prints on the knife so it seems odd that they wouldn't find Jeff's too (especially when they're trying to identify who stabbed the boy). This tends to create a number of plot holes and issues. Like how could three boys sneak into a house and set fire to another boy without alerting anyone? I assume that's not a quiet activity and I'm assuming someone in pain would make quite a bit of sound. It also feels really off that a cop would let a known murderer run away (especially after partially skinning one of his victims "it had been mutilated, skinned in places and riddled with dozens of shallow cuts carved into the flesh."). Add to this the fact he is openly admitting it in a letter and that is a bit too much of a suspension in belief for the audience. I'm sorry, but I really can't get invested enough in this story to really deem it up to this site's quality standards with all its punctuation, wording, and story issues. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 01:22, December 19, 2015 (UTC) ::My response: http://pastebin.com/8TNHTcXF JZoidberg (talk) 17:37, December 19, 2015 (UTC) Jeff the Killer Redux Taking a page out of JZoidberg's book to try to get my contest rewrite on the wiki. Probably a slim chance but what the hey, I spent enough time writing the thing. I feel mine is different from the other finalists who all did a very good job of coming up with new stories. My intent was to try to actually fix the original, patching as many plot holes and other issues as possible while still keeping the vast majority of characters, scenes, and even dialogue. It's currently found over on spinpasta here: http://spinpasta.wikia.com/wiki/Jeff_the_Killer_Redux Appreciate the consideration! Shadowswimmer77 (talk) 03:18, December 19, 2015 (UTC) :I'm sorry, but looking over your stories, I'm kind of surprised that you wrote this one Shadow, having read another story of yours recently with very few issues I was really surprised to find a lot of these errors. :Capitalization issues: "He smiled. "just (Just) go to sleep.”", "“you said She was gone forever.", "mommy, you lied.", "“shhh,” the thing purred, “go to sleep.”", "“Listen here, you little punk. give back my bro’s wallet and fuck off. or else.”", "“She said She wanted me to smile more. but i couldn’t keep smiling, it hurt after a while. now i can smile forever.”", etc. There are seriously a dozen other times where you forget to capitalize lines of dialogue. If it's being done for effect, I really can't see to what purpose you're doing it. If it's to showcase that Katy is in possession of him, it is pretty sporadic as she talks to him earlier without these issues. If it's to showcase his mental degradation, it comes off as necessary as he's not the one writing the story (and if he was, he's do it through-out.). :Capitalization continued: You also forget to leave words uncapitalized after carrying over dialogue with interrupting actions. " “Well. Well, well, well,” he grinned, “Fresh (fresh) meat.”", " messy,” he grinned, “Part of me", etc. :Punctuation issues: If you're going to set a mental voice in Jeff's head separate from his own thoughts, you should really put it in quotations to differentiate between Kathy and his own thoughts. "''Well, I think you’re beautiful. Jeff smiled sadly. The voice in his head wasn’t there, not really. I know you do, Katy. But you’re gone." It causes some issue when compared to thoughts like this: "Tell her to fuck off, mom. Tell her to mind her own business and get the fuck out of here." as to who is speaking and the differing voice. Additionally compound words like "whip thin" should be hyphenated as they are directly linked. Commas missing from lines where a pause is implied. "Face in a wolfish snarl(,) Keith lashed out". :Wording issues: awkwardly worded dialogue. "Hmm, except: On the one hand we’ve got the testimony of Randall McQuaid" In fact, a lot of the dialogue feels a bit stilted/out-of-place. :Story issues: a lot of the issues that many people disliked about the original were brought over here. Why exactly would teens steal a gun and bring it to a birthday party over such a small incident and then threaten to set him on fire? Speaking of hard to explain escalations, Jeff's transition from a teenager to a cold-blooded killer (capable of taking on multiple kids his age at once) has little to no build-up. I'm sorry, but in this aspect, it followed the story way too closely. There's also the issue of Jeff being charred over all of his body except his face. While it is a deviation, it brings up a lot of plot issues. (Burn victims aren't necessarily the most spry individuals.) Dorkpool really highlighted a lot of the other story issues present in the story. I'm sorry, but this is not good enough to really bypass our No-Spinoff rule. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 04:05, December 19, 2015 (UTC)